deaf and dumb.

sorrow.
a feeling almost reaching the stage of dying.
i should be so..i know.
just...couldnt help it.
sometimes i even question myself and my righteousness to be a man.
a man should take a refusal..shrugged it off like it's nothing.
well..i'm not capable of that.
maybe...i'm not strong enough to do so.
after wat i've poured into it..
after everything i've done...
it inevitably makes me think that it's just a vain attempt.
i dont blame her.
i dont blame anyone.
it's possibly my fault after all.
feeling stupid writing all these down...
after trying to maintain a touch reputation after all these while.
i must admit i'm quite hesitant to go for a relationship...
since non of them failed to work out for my likings.
u failed once..can u stand up?
perhaps.
u failed again..keep trying?
well..maybe.
thn failed and failed and failed and failed again?
eventually u'll ask urself: "hey..why even bother to try?"
no point right?
seeing that eventually everything u've done is in vain.
every failure deals damage to me.
every damage causes changes to me.
a change to worse.
from worse to worst.
it's like cooking.
for the 1st time it sucks.
fine.
just tat i'm not good enough.
inexperience.
try again.
but thn u tried...
again and again..
the result's the same.
it sucks.
eventually u might think...
maybe i sucks after all.
so i'll stop cooking.

but to be frank..
maybe bacause i'm insecure...
i tend to try making the one i love to feel secure.
i feel secure because i can provide security to her.
but perhaps all tat i've done...
makes her insecure instead.
we should maintain some distance.
as she put it...
breaks my heart.
to an extend tat the urge to clarify myself and tell her wat i feel about her..
didnt even cross my mind.
at that point i'm just looking for a way out.
of all these awkwardness.
of my inner fear..
of the voice in my heart saying:"haha...u failed again loser~~"
maybe at that point..
saying "i only do all these..because i care for you..."
makes hell of a difference.
but..
yea i failed..yet again.
for being only hearty..but not mouthy.
for being only loving..but not talking.
for being only pushy..instead of being unassuming.
for only trying to show love..instead of making sure tat it had been well received.
wrong...in any way.
wrong...in everything.

maybe writing this is exposing the fact of my incompetency as a man.
but does it matters anymore?
i'm a flawed man after all.
will i get better?
only time will tell.
only acts can prove.
i'm a broken man..if even that.
with a broken heart.
i've talked too much.
stop.